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I Promise You Marital Honesty

Author: Hanna and Xavier Bordas,
"Love One Another!" 40/2017
Family life

Words about marital honesty constitute a vital element of the marriage vows. Marital honesty consists in the mutual trust underlying the marital community, having kind and sincere conversations, striving to understand your spouse in any situation, supporting each other in overcoming difficulties, and constructive conflict resolution.

The common good

Trust is the foundation and principle of life in any community. When mutual trust fades away, the marital community regresses, leading to its gradual breakdown. Absolute confidence in each other is reflected, for example, in community property arising at the moment of getting married. If you mistrust your spouse, you find it difficult to manage household finances and property, share duties or make any decisions. Trust will be possible only when both spouses start perceiving their common good as their goal and, apart from personal belongings, replace such words as “my” and “your” with “our” forever.

Signs of dishonesty

Management of common property may involve various mistakes made by the spouses, such as:

• Making serious financial decisions behind your spouse’s back. It would also happen in our marriage and, to be honest, God in his mercy let us experience some falls and difficulties. Sometimes it was particularly painful: one of us was once a victim of a fraudster and made a rash financial decision. Due to this arbitrary and ill-judged decision we lost a considerable part of our inheritance that might have been allotted for a better cause, for the benefit of our family. We have learned our lesson. Disobedience to God’s will in using the common property may take different forms. Gambling, compulsive shopping or giving money to other family members behind your spouse’s back will obviously hamper your marital development towards unity.
  Marital honesty is by no means restricted to financial issues – it also concerns our interpersonal relationships and inner life.

“You should listen more than you speak, share yourself more than discuss and, above all, forgive” (Fr. S. Gancarek)

• Neglecting the mutual relationship, which results in treating your spouse as an object or diminishing his or her role, is a serious breach of marital honesty. This includes failing to keep your word or meet agreements; accusing your spouse or punishing him or her with ostentatious silence; as well as insincerity, rows, grudges and reproach (Fr. Stanisław Gancarek, On Marriage Vows). It is dishonest to control, force, use emotional blackmail or incapacitate the other person in any form. Such dishonesty may sneak into everyday matters and sour family life. Even if your spouse does not realize your dishonest conduct, does not complain or suffer because of your little sins, it does not mean that everything is in perfect shape. With such behavior you shut the door to your and your spouse’s development, and make it impossible to benefit fully from the sacrament of marriage. It makes Christ, who is present in your marriage, suffer. Therefore, you are supposed to confess the sins against marital honesty, admit to them in front of your spouse and ask him or her for forgiveness.

Neglecting the mutual relationship, which results in treating your spouse as an object or diminishing his or her role, is a serious breach of marital honesty

• Insincerity. Mutual trust is built through sincere conversations. When you address each other amicably and listen to each other kindly, it forms a foundation of a creative dialogue which is impossible if you are not sincere. It is essential to always tell the truth and be frank – you should not hide your thoughts and intentions from your spouse or, even more importantly, pretend to be anything or anyone else. The most frequent cause of anxiety and suspicion is the incompatibility between what you say and what you feel (Fr. S. Gancarek, On Marriage Vows). Jesus said, “Again, you have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, »You shall not swear falsely« […]. Let your word be »Yes, Yes« or »No, No«; anything more than this comes from the evil one” (Matt 5:33-37). If you are not truthful, you break your marriage bond. When you are in trouble and do not share that with your spouse, you make a mistake. Sometimes it may stem from pride or so-called “false humility”, because we do not want to worry the other person with our problems, but it is no excuse.


• Half-truths and masks. If you truly love your spouse, you are able to detect non-verbal signs in his behavior that suggest problems at work or any other area. If something is troubling him, it does show. Sometimes my husband is the first to notice that something is wrong with me, while I try to hide the pain even from myself. Some people are very closed, by nature or as a result of childhood wounds, and find it extremely difficult to share what really fills their hearts. You are responsible for helping liberate your spouse from that “autism”.


• It would be best to talk about how you feel in a spontaneous and sincere way. It really does not make sense to deceive the other person by saying only what in your opinion they would like to hear. When you tell white lies, you live a life of half-truths, and it has nothing to do with love. The more you let your spouse get to know you, the better they will understand you and trust you. Knowing your weaknesses and limitations, they will stop raising their standards too high or demand the impossible, but will get used to the fact that you are not perfect. You will no longer be an idol but a close friend.

Marital dialogue

What marital dialogue requires is “conversation on all levels of communication, but talking about yourself is of key importance. If you do not share the most personal and deepest thoughts with each other, you will never build a unity of hearts and souls. The ability to talk about yourself and share your own experience should be acquired in childhood” (Fr. S. Gancarek, On Marriage Vows).

Marital communion cannot be built on our own strength. It is the fruit of the grace of the sacrament which allows spouses to form deep ties with each other

As we come from different countries and quite disparate cultures, we would clash a lot in our marriage. Frictions between us were actually caused by minor things, but they hampered communication; we would withdraw and avoid the topic. Consequently, we would be driven into the wrong direction, vulnerable to temptation and on the verge of dishonesty. Reaching an agreement was even more difficult because of our totally different attitudes to financial matters that we have taken after our parents. One of our first serious rows over money was interrupted by our merciful God in a really astonishing and hilarious way: one of us – the one who was really tense and cross, sat on a chair which suddenly broke into pieces. We burst into laughter and looked at each other. It immediately dawned on us that we were on the wrong track. Such situations would reveal to us that we are supposed to build on an empathetic and sincere dialogue, without getting heated or sticking to our own opinion. What it takes is to change your viewpoint – it is not our will that is most important. What is most important is what God wants. We began to give to the Lord through the Virgin Mary our blundering attempts to seek God’s will concerning worldly matters.

Additional difficulties were caused by the fact that we hardly knew each other’s psyche: our feelings, ways of experiencing emotions, and our characters. We started to look for help in a church community. An important element of retreats and community meetings were the faith-sharing groups. It was a time of learning to share with others how we felt and what we experienced in God’s presence, and to listen to their testimonies. We had not learned to be so open to other people in our family homes. The faith-sharing groups, where no one would judge or comment on other people’s testimonies, were the grounds on which we learned to look at our feelings selflessly, as we assumed that we wanted God to be in the center. It was the first step on our way of marital dialogue – a mini faith-sharing group.

Listening – “Let anyone with ears listen!” (Matt 11:15)

One of our weaknesses that is usually inherited from our family homes is the inability to listen. If parents have no time to really listen to their children, it has its consequences in the next generation, because people tend to copy the inherited pattern. And the point is that if you want to be honest to your spouse, you are supposed to listen to them. It is worth noting that God has given us two ears and one mouth. It means that we should listen more than we speak. It seems, however, that we are living in such times when everyone wants to speak and hardly anyone is willing to listen; this is true for many contemporary families. If you are not willing to listen, your conversations turn to monologues which deepen the discord and hostility instead of building communication. Only if you kindly listen to the other person, will you be able to understand each other and build communication. In order to hear the other person out, you need to listen carefully, be sensitive to their tone of voice, facial expression and conduct. Hence you can hear what the person is not able to express in words. When we do not care, we become deaf. It is to such people that Christ says, “Do you have ears, and fail to hear?” (Mark 8:18). The real dialogue assumes priority of listening over speaking, and understanding over judging: “You should listen more than you speak, share yourself more than discuss and, above all, forgive. […] Marital honesty involves understanding your spouse in every situation. It is not possible if you do not correctly interpret intentions, which is by no means an easy task” (Fr. S. Gancarek, On Marital Vows).

During your conversations it is essential to take your time and make sure you understand what your spouse really means. You should cherish this dialogue on a daily basis. Listen to the other person attentively and kindly. Such listening is an active attitude, because it requires attentive presence. Being able to listen means being able to become quiet and give priority to the other person.

Forming your conscience

On our path to develop ourselves and be honest in our marriage we have been helped by priests whom God has called to our parish and family ministry. Preachers, confessors and spiritual leaders would often encourage us to ponder over and talk about marital honesty. They would suggest how we should ask God for his light and help using the means offered by the Church: the sacramental life (frequent confession and the Holy Communion), prayer and examination of conscience, meditation on the Bible, reading spiritual texts and various forms of religious instruction. Another good solution is to go on a retreat together. In the prayerful and calm atmosphere, when we walk and talk to each other, our hearts open up to God’s plans, receiving his light to face problems. This is how you build – albeit arduously – your home church.

Restoring honesty and trust in your relationship

It is impossible to build marital communion on your own – only from sacramental grace that makes the spouses able to share a deep intimacy with each other. This supernatural gift manifests itself in our everyday life according to our faith. Therefore, marital honesty requires efforts to deepen your relationship with Jesus Christ and your spouse’s faith. Do you make sure that your spouse has favorable conditions for praying to God? Do you not neglect your marital prayer, common Eucharist and frequent confession? Are you interested in the condition of your spouse’s soul and salvation? These questions should be included in the spouses’ examination of conscience.

Marital honesty is by no means restricted to financial issues – it also concerns our interpersonal relationships and inner life

If you seek reconciliation in concrete situations, you may limit the results of evil and remedy them by forgiving each other the confessed dishonesty. If you do not reconcile, you will keep sowing the seeds of mistrust in your marital relationship. Bear in mind, however, that mistrust towards the other person does not mean the end of the relationship. It is the beginning of a long road towards restoring it and coming closer to each other by embracing the Lord Saviour Jesus Christ. It is a great task that we are to face, and it is only with God’s help that we can reap even greater rewards and make it to the end.

Source: https://loamagazine.org/archive/2017/2017-40/i-promise-you-marital-honesty

The article was published with the permission from "Love One Another!" in May 2021.

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