Commit yourself completely to God!

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Commit yourself completely to God!

Author: Testimony,
"Love One Another!" 31/2015

The turning point for me was complete trust in the Lord, relying on Him and not on my own strength. Now I know that “I can do everything in Him who strengthens me.” It is enough to trust God.

Commit yourself completely to God!

For quite some time now, I have had this desire to share what the good Lord has done for me and in the life of my loved ones. I feel the need to share my testimony and to give glory to God. I have had my share of ups and downs, though I would say that a greater part of it I did not really live. I struggled each day, thinking that it was better to die so I didn’t have to torment myself any longer. I was born in a seemingly normal family. Faith was passed on to me by my parents in a traditional way. As a child, I was very shy and frightened. I was afraid of everything and always watched the world from a distance. When I was a teenager, I discovered masturbation, which became an addiction and my great tragedy. On the outside, I was polite, well-mannered and quiet, but inside my heart I was experiencing great misfortune. Each time I masturbated, I was terribly wounded inside; my heart was devastated, and I felt a growing anxiety. Each time, I promised myself that it would be the last. Unfortunately, I could only endure for a few days. I considered myself to be the worst sinner. At the same time, I did not confess this sin. I was very ashamed and afraid of what the priest might say. So I received the Holy Communion in a state of mortal sin, which wounded my heart even more and increased my feelings of remorse. I always blamed myself when somebody in the family died, got sick or experienced any form of misfortune. I thought of those misfortunes as the consequences of my sins.

After some years, towards the end of primary school, I finally confessed this sin. However, that did not solve the problem. After confession, which became infrequent, I was able to withstand only a few days, after which I went even deeper into the sin of unchastity. When I reached maturity, the changes in my body and appearance intensified my timidity. I started to isolate myself even more. I only had a few friends, and people considered me weird. I was afraid to speak to anyone. So I then devoted my time to studies, in which I did well. I also had a hobby, which fortunately somehow helped me in my struggle with my problems. I think I was in secondary school when I experienced depression for the first time. I had suicidal thoughts. I was not happy in my life and had difficulties living my life each day. At that time, I did not know that it was a kind of sickness. None of my family noticed what I was going through. Besides, I did not speak about it with anybody because of my shyness. But the worst was yet to come… Deep in my heart, I desired to experience love and acceptance. While my classmates were having girlfriends, I thought that I might never be able to meet with any girl. In my opinion, I belonged to the worst category. I also did not love and accept myself. Eventually, I began hating myself. When I started my studies at university, it was the worst stage of my life.

On one hand, the wealth of responsibilities (activities, studies); on the other, the struggle with weakness and sin. It was very difficult for me. I lived my life without God. Even though I knew He was present, I wandered away from Him more and more. I deadened my conscience, while the suicidal thoughts increased. The only “entertainment” I had was masturbation. I cursed the day I was born and blasphemed God as if He was the one to blame.

I did not see that in reality He wanted to help me; for example, through a fellow student who invited me to the campus ministry prayer meetings. I did attend once, but at that time my heart was too hardened to be able to recognize God’s grace in it. Despite the struggles I had, I was able to graduate with very good grades. However, that was no reason for me to behappy. Later, I got a job, but I became even unhappier.

I did not want to go home after work. I did not see the goal or sense of my life. My friends had settled down, having their own families, while I remained shy and full of complexes. I began to drown myself in alcohol, which made me forget for a while. I also began to have problems with pornography. I think I finally reached the bottom of my misery. It was really so difficult that I started to think about suicide seriously. I even told my family that I might kill myself. But thanks to God it did not happen… Looking back, I see that God was with me all the time. He wanted me for Himself and did not allow me to stray. It was just that I constantly rejected him; I wanted to be happy, but not with Him. One day, I recalled some words which I had heard a long time ago in the church. The nun said that when a person finds himself at a point of no return, he could cry out to God: “Lord, help me!”

I did not speak about it with anybody because of my shyness. But the worst was yet to come… Deep in my heart, I desired to experience love and acceptance

That night, I called on to God with those words. I asked Him to give me another chance. I told Him that I would like to live according to His precepts. I still did not know that Jesus gives real freedom. I lived under the lies of Satan, who told me that with God my life was limited. Yet I didn’t have to wait for long for my prayers to be answered. Everything started to change gradually. That fellow student who had invited me many times to different prayer meetings, including at the campus ministry, asked me to go to formation meetings for men. At first, I refused repeatedly, but one day I went. And that is how the process of my conversion began. I returned slowly to the Father, just like a “prodigal son”.

I started to live again, and my heart was filled with joy. In a short time, I met and dated a girl, who convinced me to go with her to a recollection. It seemed to me then that I was the happiest person on earth. Unfortunately, that joy didn’t last for long. When we started dating seriously, all the problems hidden in my heart and psyche that had accumulated for years came out into the open. It was the most difficult experience I ever had in my life.

Fear, depression, neurosis, emotional problems – they all came out. I had to learn everything from the start. Not once did I reflect on why those things had happened to me. Now I know that God allowed those experiences in order to “build me anew”. I thank my wife, who then was my girlfriend, for her determination to fight for me. If it had not been for her persistence and support, I would have returned to my “old life”. Now I live a “new life”, a life with the Lord, who desires that “His flock might have life and have it more abundantly”. It is enough to trust God. The turning point for me was complete trust in the Lord, relying on Him and not on my own strength. Now I know that “I can do everything in Him who strengthens me”. My experiences over the past years gradually made me grow up, turned me into a real man. I am now a happy husband and father. The Lord can transform bad experiences to bring out a lot of good. Thanks to God, I was able to overcome my timidity. He took away my fear, healed me and freed me from the sin of masturbation.

Though I am still not an ideal person, I allow God to lead me. I would like to live my life according to His will, because I know there is no better plan for me. God has illumined the darkness of my heart. He has given my soul His light. He absolutely changed my way of thinking and the way I see the world. My conversion has had further effects. Thanks to God, my brother was also converted. My parents have also become closer to the Lord. At present, God is the most important in my life. Though at times I experience difficulties, I cannot imagine my life anymore without Him. This I know, and my experiences confirm, that there is no situation or addiction that God would not want to free us from. We only have to commit ourselves completely to Him who waits for each one of us, who suffered greatly and died on the cross for everyone. His love is a lot more powerful than all the evil in the world. Praise the Lord!

Marcin

Source: https://loamagazine.org/archive/2015/2015-31/commit-yourself-completely-to-god

The article was published with the permission from "Love One Another!" in September 2020.