Sense of Life. Articles in English. A Kiss from God.
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A Kiss from God

I am sixteen years old. I am not exactly sure when pornography entered into my life, but it must have been when I was thirteen or fourteen. Nor do I remember if I got into it as a result of my friends’ cutting remarks or from casually browsing the Net.

No doubt copies of Bravo magazine lent to me by friends aroused my appetite for erotic images.

Finding a porn channel on TV was a simple matter of browsing the menu. I was not really aware I was committing a sin then. I very much regret that I introduced my friend to my Internet “pastime.” But I was ashamed of my weakness, especially before my parents, who love me dearly. One day I switched off the TV without deleting the adult channel I had been watching. My parents returned home to discover what their sweet daughter had been up to. During the serious talk that followed, my mother told me I was causing Jesus great pain. The next day I went to confession and came home feeling as happy as a lark. I broke my habit for a year, maybe longer. But then I became interested in these matters again. Once again I began surfing the net for pornographic sites. After each sin, I would feel terrible and go to confession as soon as possible.

Despite this, I did not put an end to the habit; instead, I began looking for stronger experiences. In doing so, I was also sinning against the Holy Spirit, for I would say to myself: “Oh, here I am sinning again. I’ll have to go to confession” — and then I would go right on watching. One day, determined to put an end to it, I told myself, “That’s it! No more. God will strengthen me in the Movement of Pure Hearts!” But my determination did not last long. I did not join MPH. The prospect of all those promises terrified me.

Finally, I realized how quickly one sin would bring two more in its train. How easily it is to get oneself into a vicious cycle! I made a decision. This time I did join MPH.

Today I went to confession. (Good old Fr. Zdzisław! He always knows how to lift your spirits!) I received Jesus in Holy Communion and stayed behind after Mass. I whispered the Act of Consecration. Christ filled me with His strength and love. On leaving the church I could have leapt for joy! The verse “I can do all things in Him who strengthens me” finally touched me deeply. I looked up and decided that from now on my heart would be as pure as the blue sky. This year I plan to go on my first pilgrimage to Częstochowa. I trust it will not be the last.

Here I wish to touch on the problem of eating as well. This has to do with the question of self-acceptance. How much you need God’s love in order to love yourself! I could not accept myself. Of course, I knew you could not judge a book by its cover, but your environment can convince you of so much. My friends’ jabs hurt me the most: “Oh, Camilla, look! Slimming cream from Avon. Maybe you’ll order some for yourself?” or “You’re joking! Camilla’s fingers are fatter than mine!” Then there were my brother’s comments that I looked eight months pregnant; that I was as big as a barrel. I was often the target of such wounding remarks, so I decided to lose weight. I starved myself and watched my calories. But after losing a couple of kilograms, I had enough of my diet. I still felt I had to lose weight, but I simply could not manage. I starved myself all day only to wolf down a whole loaf of bread in the evening. Then I suffered from terrible guilt pangs. Fortunately, something prevented me from going to the bathroom and throwing up. The styles created by the media are largely responsible for this: Barbie dolls instead of real women. I dream for the day when “thin” stops counting for so much; when someone will have the courage to display costumes on mannequins with a BMI of more than 20. But perhaps these are unrealistic dreams!

My mother is my best friend. With her I can talk about clothes, my friends, boys, parties — you name it. One day I told her about my eating problem. She became very, very worried. She shared her concerns with my older sister, who responded with a very simple and effective method: after coming home from her university classes, she would sit down and watch me eat my dinner. She could not care less about my diet. Since then I have begun to eat normally.

I know that our loving God is with me and supports me in all the twists and turns of my life. He has helped me to accept myself as I am. Holy Communion for me is like a kiss from God. I can actually feel Him embrace me. I feel warm and safe in His arms. The Eucharist is an encounter with the Bridegroom!


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The article was published with the permission from "Love One Another!" in June 2016.

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