A testimony,
Love One Another! 10/2008 → True Love Waits - Pure Hearts
Just before last year’s MPH retreat, I experienced a nervous
breakdown. My sense of helplessness, my selfishness, lack of will
power, and constant falling into the same sin overwhelmed me completely.
For seven years I had struggled with masturbation and pornography.
It poisoned my life and I was steadily losing sensitivity in such
matters. I learned to look at girls selfishly — in a sensual,
unspiritual way. After scoring a few short-lived victories in this
area (I always made sure that I went to confession whenever I fell
into sin), I fell exceptionally low. I succumbed several times in
one day. Though I went to confession and received Holy Communion,
I was still so broken that I was reluctant to enter the church for
fear that I should fall back into sin again. Since there was perpetual
adoration at the church, I sat down before the Blessed Sacrament
and, sobbing and weeping in the depths of my soul, I remained there
a good while.
That week the prayer group to which I belonged presented the Liturgy
of the Word. The theme of the readings was God’s plan for
us. Moved by God’s love and patience, I called out to Him.
I asked Him to be close to me. I wanted to enjoy an intimate relationship
with Him and not treat Him in His omnipotence as someone distant
and abstract. It was a cry from the heart, a strong plea to be freed
from and lifted out of the mire of selfishness, impotence, and helplessness.
After returning home from the liturgy, I found a letter on my desk.
I opened it and read the following: “Hello! Have you made
your vacation plans yet? What does Jesus say about them? Do you
know that He wants to be particularly close to you?” It was
an invitation to go on a retreat. I had received a reply from God — directly
upon my request! Even though I was afraid the retreat would be beyond
my reach mentally, I trusted in God and went anyway — on the
strength of this unusual invitation and with the full conviction
that He wanted to enter into my life and realize His plan for me.
So I went to the retreat. In addition to daily Mass, the program
included time for the rosary, the chaplet of divine mercy as well
as nighttime adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. Every evening I went
for an hour along with the others. And though I went for three successive
nights, it was with such a sense of weakness, frailty, exhaustion,
and distraction, that it was more like marking time in the chapel
than true adoration. Each time I had to force myself to come.
But on the fourth evening something peculiar happened. Suddenly,
deep in my heart, I felt the desire to fix my gaze on the Host and
not to lose sight of it, despite the distractions. After an hour
or so, I no longer felt the pain in my knees and back. I began to
experience a mysterious light. I felt its brightness tearing the
film of impurity from my eyes, refreshing my gaze, washing me clean
of all the filth, all the impurity that had built up in in the running
wounds of my heart, and then healing them slowly — but with
power. After another hour, during which I could feel God’s
closeness almost palpably, I began to desire Him alone. He was all
I needed.
Though I did not understand what was happening, I felt sure that
it was for this very reason — for this very experience — that
I had come here. Indeed, I had lived to this moment just to experience
this grace. Increasingly stirred by this experience, I felt a strong
desire to touch the monstrance. I asked the nun kneeling next to
me if I could do this. On receiving an affirmative reply, I approached
the monstrance, knelt down and, trembling and weeping with joy,
asked God to heal my soul and restrain my bodily passions. Then
I touched Him. Immediately I felt the power of his permeating presence
flow into me. It felt as if He had emptied a whole barrel of love
into my heart. I thought of that woman in the Gospels who touched
the hem of Jesus’ garment. Even so did the power come out
of Him. I held on for a while longer and then let go of the One
to Whom for a moment my soul had clung with all the strength of
its being.
I know all this sounds very strange and improbable. Being a realist,
I can understand that someone reading this might have reasonable
doubts; however, deep down I really feel that I was healed. Glory
to God, Who listened to me in my affliction:
“I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise
shall be ever in my mouth. Let my soul glory in the Lord; the lowly will hear me
and be glad. Glorify the Lord with me; let us together extol His name! I sought the Lord, and He answered me, And delivered me from all my fears. Look to him that you may be radiant with joy, And your faces may not blush with shame. When the afflicted man called out, the Lord heard, And from all his distress he saved him. The angel of the Lord encamps Around those who fear Him And delivers them. Taste and see how good the Lord is; Happy the man who takes refuge in Him.”
(Psalms
34, 1-9)
Amen!
Luke, aged 18
The article was published with the permission from "Love One Another!"
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