By MieczysЕ‚aw Guzewicz,
Love One Another! 9/2008 → True Love Waits - Pure Hearts
Most of the striking number of marital crises and breakups occurring
these days are the result of lack of proper preparation for adult
life with another. To remedy this situation, we must first put out
of mind every living arrangement that is not marriage.
Let us begin by considering the matter in the light of what The
Book of Genesis tells us. We find there a readily accessible
plan for building a happy marriage: “Therefore a man leaves
his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become
one flesh” (Genesis
1:24).
This verse contains conditions that must be met if there is to
be a marriage at all; and these conditions must be met even before
the couple sets foot in the church. We have here specific requirements
for building an enduring union, which must be fulfilled before entering
into it. Ignoring these preliminary conditions is one of the main
reasons for the growing number of failed marriages that bedevil
us today.
The right sequence.
The first principle contained in the biblical verse is a clear
sequence of steps:
1.Leaving.
2.Joining.
3.Becoming
one flesh.
The very order of these stages testifies to the genius of the inspired
author. Already many thousands of years ago, a man had set down
in a brief sentence a logical truth that still holds today. A successful
union of a man and woman must be built in this order: first the
couple must leave their parents, then they must enter into a marriage
(formally, not just by living together, but by following a set procedure),
and only then can they form a full spiritual and bodily union. The
bodily union is the completion of the spiritual. By itself, the
bodily is not a full union, but neither is the spiritual, affective
union (even when duly blessed) complete — until it is “consummated.”
Let us dwell for a moment on the sequence alone, for the success
of a marriage depends on observing the right sequence.
Today we see around us the general practice of reversing the order
and ignoring the requirements of each successive stage. All too
often young people first “consummate” their marriage
(even before it is one), enjoying the bodily delights and creating
“one flesh” — but only in a bodily sense, which
trivializes and degrades the value of a true union. Next, they think
about the wedding, which frequently follows as a result of an unplanned
pregnancy. Only then do they start thinking about where they will
live, often without the means to stand on their own two feet — if
not financially then at least professionally, since lack of education
often makes for poor employability. The couple will not solve the
problem by living with their parents. And so not only do they reverse
the order of stages but they also fail to fulfill the requirements
of each of given stage. What we have then is a dramatic paradox,
which brings about the destruction of the marriage even before it
is entered into.
The inspired text tells us clearly that observing the right sequence
is a basic condition of an enduring marriage. Equally important
is the fulfillment of the requirements of each of the separate stages.
1. Leaving
Leaving one’s parents is a condition of marital happiness.
Just as an infant cannot develop further until it has left its mother’s
womb and had its umbilical cord cut, so too a marriage cannot fully
develop without the couple parting with their parents. Even though
leaving one’s father and mother is often accompanied by a
degree of pain, it is a necessary pain, which must be born for the
good the marriage.
The verse from The
Book of Genesis makes specific reference to the man, but it
is obvious that this applies to both the man and the woman. The
circumstance has more to do with the fact that in all cultures and
traditions it has always been the man who takes upon himself the
building of a house and introducing his bride to it.
In order to realize the first stage, the couple must achieve professional
independence. They must acquire the education that will guarantee
finding a job capable of supporting them and their family. Next
they must gain a degree of financial independence, which will enable
them to move out of the family home. Moving out is all but absolutely
necessary. It is the visible,external way in which the couple part with their parents,
separate themselves from them, and achieve a sense of independence
and freedom to act for themselves. Equally important in this first
stage is gaining the emotional and psychological independence necessary
to live without having to be led by the hand. This involves acquiring
basic life skills such as attending to legal formalities and caring
for one’s health. Also involved in this stage are: being able
to take responsibility for one’s self and one’s actions;
readiness to take responsibility for others — one’s spouse
and future children; readiness to sacrifice oneself for others and
accept suffering; and, last,knowing the basic moral principles, the tenets of the Ten
Commandments and the Catechism, including the sacramental meaning
of marriage.
All too often parents prevent their children from taking this step.
In so doing they cripple their children psychologically by making
them emotionally and financially dependent on them. In many cases
they build huge homes with plans to have their married children
move into them. This is a serious misunderstanding, which does great
harm to the children. Leaving the home to study in another town
contributes greatly to a child becoming independent on many levels.
Military service can also be of great help in maturing a person.
In the past it was easier to realize this stage of life before
marriage. People matured psychologically more quickly than they
do now. Extreme situations such as wars and their consequences accelerated
young people’s — sometimes very young people’s — entry
into adulthood. For this reason, in war-torn countries like Poland,
multigenerational families did less, if any, harm to their youngsters’
marriages by not having them move out of the family home, for both
the parents and the young spouses were very conscious of their role
in life. Certainly other factors contributed to this earlier maturity
as well, such as economic and proprietary ties, inheritance, the
dependence of women on their husband, the traditional structure
of the family with its recognition of the authority of the patriarch
and often of the matriarch as well. Also undergirding the multigenerational
family was a lofty understanding of the role of the husband, the
father, the wife, and the mother, as well as a highly developed
sense of responsibility for the society at large — for one’s
country.
Under today’s conditions, when both emotional and psychological
maturity and a sense of responsibility for oneself and others lag
far behind physical maturity, moving out of the family home, even
at the cost of delaying the marriage, is a necessary condition of
building an enduring union.
Moving out does not mean severing ties with the parents or relieving
the children of their duty towards their parents, particularly when
the latter reach advanced age. What it does do is create a level
of initial comfort for both sides and facilitate the development
of mutual respect. It is easier to respect each other at a distance,
when the one side is not dependent on the other. Living together
may indeed have its advantages, but these are far outweighed by
the disadvantages. Great tension and stress often result from such
an arrangement. In situations wherethis cannot be avoided, a great deal of tolerance and constant
compromise will be required on the part of both sides. But such
an arrangement must always be seen as a temporary, transitional
measure, with the clearnecessity
of moving out always uppermost in mind.
Thus, leaving the family home is essential to forming a lasting
marriage and attaining to the highest level of humanity. “Only
by making a break from this initial reality and being able to entrust
our life to another do we reveal that specific quality by which
we may be seen as the image and likeness of God” (Z. Kiernikowski,
Two in One Body in Christ.)
The external and internal fulfillment of the first stage (leaving
the parents) also means recognizing that henceforth our spouse is
the most important person in our life. Leaving our parents means
that we have matured to the point of understanding that while the
parents continue to be important to us, they are no longer as important
as they were before we left home. We recognize that the person of
primary importance to us is now our spouse. After this come the
fruit of our union — our children, and only then our parents,
relations, friends, etc. Parents must also accept this truth and
not expect their married children to treat them as more important
than their spouse.
Leaving the family home also means having to, and being able to,
entrust oneself to another. This involves a great risk. When we
leave our parents and break our dependence on them, we take a courageous
step. We throw ourselves into the arms of someone with whom we share
no ties of blood. This act of entrustment to one’s spouse
is something altogether different from our earlier relationship
with one’s parents. With the latter we were more receivers
of good and solicitous care. Then it was our parents who served
and devoted themselves to us. Now we assume the role of providers
of good. This means a transition from a position in which we are
served to one in which we serve. Leaving the family homes is therefore
a transition to a much higher level of values. This is an extraordinarily
difficult, risky, and, indeed, impossible step to achieve fully.
But in the new dimension that is Christ the realization of this
ideal becomes possible, chiefly through the Eucharist, by which
the humanly impossible becomes possible.
Perhaps no other stage more than this one requires both the children
who are leaving and the parents who are duty bound to accept their
departure, to base their human decisions on the power of Divine
Grace.
Mieczyslaw Guzewicz
(to be continued)
The article was published with the permission from "Love One Another!"
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