A testimony,
Love One Another! 8/2007 → Family Life
When I was in grade four, a couple of friends and I started watching
porno videos. The father of one of these friends had a whole stack
of them. We would watch these perversions and masturbate together.
This happened in the 1980s, when such material was pouring into
Poland from Germany. We lived off this filth. In time we came to
see this as normal “adult” entertainment. Soon it was
smokes, smutty language, and, a few years later, booze. I looked
forward to my “first lay.” I wanted to do it the way
I saw it in the videos. After all, a certain image of women had
been seared into my mind. I scored my first “success”
in grade nine. I felt great and proud of myself. I boasted to my
friends about my “conquest,” a girl who was a year or
two older than I. Pornography had given me a taste for women older
than myself. I racked up more conquests, and during slack times — well,
there was always masturbation and porn. At last, I realized my dream.
I got to know a woman quite a bit older than myself, who matched
my image of a porn queen. We went together for several years, indulging
in the kinkiest and most depraved sexual acts. We behaved worse
than animals, going to extraordinary lengths to satisfy our lusts.
My “porn star” would put on whatever I told her to wear.
She made me the envy of all my friends. Not that this stopped me
from seeking out other women in the discos and bars. Twice I had
to visit the dermatologist for contracting dermatomycosis. As time
went on, free love and casual relationships no longer gave me any
pleasure. I grew to feel empty and dissatisfied. To me sex had become
nothing more than a debasing, mechanical act, a mere relieving of
oneself.
Even now, years after my religious conversion and long after ending
my relationship with my girlfriend, I find myself beset by the images
that pornography seared into my memory. The deformed image of women
it projected still haunts me. Lustful thoughts attack my subconscious.
Despite my conversion, I still lapse, almost mechanically, into
my old habits of self-abuse. I amuse myself with virtual sex on
the Internet, and look at pornographic films and pictures. I do
this as if my brain were programmed to do this, as if I had no choice
in the matter.
I am now going through a time of purification. I do not know how
long this will last. What I do know is that until I learn to exercise
mastery over my body, I will not be able to love chastely. The thought
of marrying a porn star holds out little attraction to me.
My struggle with purity goes on. Every day I pray and do battle
with my evil habits. I work on my laziness and try to carry out
my responsibilities conscientiously. I engage in sports and take
advantage of the power of the Sacrament of Penance, especially when
times are hard. When I do fall into sin, I waste no time in going
to Confession, since one sin tends to lead to another. A person’s
sexuality is a delicate dimension: it is so easy to bend it out
of shape and so hard to straighten it.
My sexuality has truly been deformed. I now realize how humiliating
and painful this is. Five weeks is the longest time I have been
able to remain chaste. Now that I have joined MPH I believe I will
persevere in my resolve. I am subject to many temptations, and will
continue to be so. On the one hand, I want to rid myself of this
sin once and for all, but on the other, it is as though I cannot
live without it. I am unable to put an end to it and accept the
gospel without compromise.
Jesus heals every illness and weakness (Mt 9:35. Saint Paul tells
us that in our fight against sin, we have not yet had to keep fighting
to the point of death (Heb 12:4). That is what the gospel without
compromise is. I have noticed, however, that when I remain chaste
for longer periods, my strength and endurance grow. I see this especially
in my work and sports activities. This is a clear sign that sin
has an impact on our health and physical condition. So the struggle
is worth it. To fight like a soldier of Christ (2 Tim 2:3)! And
even though it is not easy, I will continue the struggle. Please
pray for me as I pray for you.
Mary! Virgin without blemish!
Confide me to your special care
and watch over the purity of my heart,
body, and soul. You are the Star
and Exemplar of my life!
(St. Faustina Kowalska)
A regular reader of Love One Another Magazine.
The article was published with the permission from "Love One Another!"
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