Love One Another! 7/2006 → a testimony
I am 19 years old and I want to tell you about my healing. I am
talking about a serious problem – homosexuality. I want to
show that God does heal wounds and inclinations that seem incurable.
When I was a boy in high school, I was like everyone else. I had girlfriends, even steady girlfriends. I went out with one girl for a year and a half. I really felt I was in love with them all. But deep down I felt something else – something that terrified me. I felt an attraction to men. At first, these were just “innocent” fantasies. Later on – like so many young people today – I began experiencing problems with purity. I masturbated and fantasized about boys. I also looked at gay pornography. Once I even had oral sex. I won’t go into details, since that is not what this is about. Now when I think about my past, I feel nothing but loathing for what I did, but I know that it is only in describing what I felt and the change that took place in me that I can truthfully bear witness to God’s mercy.
I feel disgust at what I did, but not at myself, since it is Satan
who condemns and accuses me. He is the one who tells us we are worthless
and hideous in the sight of God. Even though something may be disgusting
in God’s sight, He does not condemn us. What God does do is
call us to our senses. He invites us to repent, since by such behavior
we only condemn ourselves. “In the same way the men give up
natural sexual relations with women and burn with passion for each
other. Men do shameful things with each other, and as a result they
bring upon themselves the punishment they deserve for their wrongdoing”
2:27). “Do not fool yourselves; people who are immoral or
who worship idols or are adulterers or homosexuals… –
none of these will possess God’s kingdom” (1
By my sinful actions I was offending not only God but also my girlfriend who
knew nothing of all this, and of course myself. What made the scandal
worse was that all this time I was part of a Christian group. But
perhaps this very thing saved my life. It was at these meetings
that I really got to know God. Reading the Gospels, I learned that
Jesus heals all wounds – including homosexuality. Reading
further in the First Letter to the Corinthians, we see this at once:
“Some of you were like that. But you have been purified from
sin; you have been dedicated to God; you have been put right with
God by the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God”
These words gave me hope. God’s purpose in giving us the commandments is to make our journey to heaven easier, not harder! His ordinances are consistent with our human nature. I am therefore absolutely convinced that homosexuality is a disordered attraction – a wound, and not love at all. Coming to this understanding – by no means easy for me – was my first step toward healing.
Here I would like to address all those who wrestle with homosexual tendencies. Do not to fall for the lie that homosexuality is natural! Having struggled with these tendencies myself, I know how tempting this lie is. I am not writing this to scare you but because God has freed me from an addiction to sin and I want you to enjoy this freedom as well. If you find yourself trapped in homosexual behavior, I ask one thing of you: that right after you finish reading this letter you go to Confession. Do it even if this means that for a time you have to spend two hours every third day in the confessional! God wants you to be happy, and homosexuality is a great obstacle to it. You hear Christ telling you this just as most certainly you feel it within yourself. You know you want to be free of your addiction. You want to change, but you keep falling back into sin. Never give up the struggle!
The apostle Peter kept falling too. When he wished to walk on the water, he sank beneath the waves. Three times he denied Jesus, even though he swore before his Master’s death that he would never betray Him. But Peter was great precisely because he always picked himself up again. The number of times you fall, the number of times you look lustfully at a man is not what counts. What is important is your desire to change, to be healed, to stand before God and say, “My Lord, I know I am but a worm in your eyes. And yet this worm is yours. And so I beg you to show me your mercy and heal me. You see that I fall, yet I want to get up again and keep going – towards you, my Lord Jesus, my Savior.”
If you are unable to admit your weakness or to feel remorse, pray that you
may feel it. Ask God to pour the grace of repentance into your heart.
Remember, it is always Satan who condemns you. Even though it has
been a year since my healing, Satan still accuses me; he continually
reminds me of the person I was. He does this because he has lost
the battle and God’s mercy has won. Scripture consoles us
with God’s word: “When anyone is joined to Christ, he
is a new being; the old is gone, the new has come” (2
Cor 6: 17)
God created us to be holy. Jesus desires our conversion and does everything He can to bring this about in us. He is limited only by our freedom. So ask God to heal your heart and so enable you to entrust yourself entirely to His will. Even though you may not know where you are going, give yourself wholly to Jesus, for He is the Way and the Life.
If you have already embarked on the journey of healing – this may be a very long journey! – remember this: Jesus never, ever, condemns you. When you stumble, He offers you His hand. Do not forget Mary either. She is your Mother too. She wants you to be happy. Happiness is not the freedom of this world but freedom in God. To be happy is to enjoy God’s freedom and His love, and these work miracles. If you hear condemnation in your heart, it is the voice of Satan; he is afraid he is losing you. But do not be afraid yourself! Go to Holy Mass as often as possible, go to Confession immediately after each relapse, adore Christ, ask the Holy Spirit for the gift of freedom, and pray the Holy Rosary. Recent experience tells me Satan fears blessed objects. So carry a rosary, crucifix or holy picture in your wallet. Fight the good fight for God’s freedom, for cleansing, for healing, for liberation from sin. You will be amazed how surely God will lead you. And He will teach how to truly love a woman – with His own love.
So here’s wishing you devout praying and a steadfast battle
– with God at your side. May He fortify all those who wish
to make a clean break with homosexuality. May He open the eyes of
those who have hardened their hearts. May they come to know the
Merciful God and by the grace of Jesus and prompting of the Holy
Spirit immerse themselves in His Divine Mercy.