Love One Another! 2/2003 → a testimony
First of all, I would like to express my gratitude for this magazine, for the
love it exemplifies, and the wise teachings it contains. It reached
my hands at the moment I most I needed it. Since then I have read
many peoples’ personal testimonies. Their advice has been
useful to me, and it helps somehow to know that I am not the only
one suffering this way. In writing this letter, I am seeking after
the truth. I also want others to understand the depth of my pain
It started when I fell in love with a guy. He seemed to be the boy of my dreams. Good-looking. Handsome. Quite himself. It felt good being around him. So it had to be true love — I thought. After our first meeting, we saw each other again twice, and I felt so happy. By the time we met for the third time, I was too much in love to realize what I was doing. Sweet and gentle in his manner, he showered me with passionate kisses. But he wanted more. And since it felt so good to be with him, I could not say no. Besides, I had to know what it was like to sleep with a guy. I agreed. It happened.
It is hard to say what it was like. He was very gentle, and I felt he had really tried to please me. He repaid my intimacy with more passionate kisses and sweet words. On coming home, I was unable to sleep. My mind raced with thoughts and images of what had passed between us. I felt like a real woman, that I was truly loved. When we met again, I was so in love that I gave in to his every whim, without considering that his demands might be becoming excessive. After a while, it began to dawn on me that our relationship was based mainly on sex. It got to the point that when we would meet, we did not even talk; we just had sex. In my heart, I knew something was lacking — something more beautiful than sex alone. I needed to be assured that he truly loved me.
Our relationship cooled, and my suffering increased. Where was the true affection that was supposed to underlie our physical intimacy? One day he looked me over with a total lack of interest. He said he was tired. I could make no sense of it. Did he really love me, or had he just been using me? That day he left with no expression of interest in me. He left no word when we would meet again, and I did not have the courage to ask.
The suffering that then entered my heart, and the emptiness I felt, knew no bounds. I felt I could not love anymore. The love I had offered was destroyed. There was nothing more to give. I realized I had been used in a disgusting manner, for I had given away what was most precious to me, and received pain and suffering in return. I grew to regret everything, to hate the very day I had met him. At the same time, I could not forget the look in his eyes when we had first met, the fascination we had felt for each other. The question now torments me. Why did I, who had so anticipated that day, thinking it would be so special, receive such short shrift from the person I had loved, and to whom I had given everything? I had been tricked. The thought of the future now frightens me. I feel I have lost the ability to trust — especially men.
If someone were now to seek my advice, I would say let your “first time” be with the one to whom you have pledged your love — your wife or husband. True love must be based on friendship, trust and, most importantly, on belief in Christ. Now I know that it is not worth losing your peace of mind over sex. Sex is only beautiful when it is expressed through love in marriage. It is the way God intended it. I hope someone has heard and understood me. Thank you and God bless!