QWERTYUIOP or Our Typewriter Territory
By
Alex and Ilene Gross
http://language.home.sprynet.com
alexilen@sprynet.com
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A
Whorfian Picture Parable for Adults, entirely devoted
to QWERT, the creatures who live in QWERTYUIOP and
speak the Qwert language. Their entire lives are
limited to those words and concepts that can be
spelled with the top row of letters on the keyboard.
It's
fairly obvious that such creatures would be handicapped
in a number of ways, as you can see from the six
pages included here, especially the map of QWERTYUIOP.
But they none-theless manage to cope quite well
with their environment despite its limitations,
as the linguist Benjamin Lee Whorf predicted they
would. Qwert culture is not without crime and social
inequality, and yet—as the rest of the book
clearly shows— its inhabitants enjoy a rich
and rewarding existence and a robust sex life. They
even leave the typewriter age behind and invent
a computer of sorts (QWERT TOTER-UPPER—PRETTY
TRIPPY!), travel to Peru and Poitou, and manage
to outwit the QWERTY, their culture's ritual monster
who requires an annual human sacrifice.
At the end of the book, three prominent linguists
debate the meaning and implications of Qwert culture:
a Whorfian, a Chomskian, and a representative of
the school of linguistics which has been most active
in converting primeval societies to western religion
and customs.
The
illustrations are by Ilene Astrahan Gross.
Please
note that the typography suffers in this electronic
version from the classic distortions imposed by
scanning images into the HTML medium. In other words,
the type looks a lot better in the original.
A
Seminar on Qwert Culture
By Three Eminent Linguists
Representing
the Theories of Benjamin Lee Whorf,
Noam Chomsky, and Kenneth Lee Pike
Whorfian:
Well, gentlemen, I hope we can all reach some sort
of agreement on this topic.
Chomskian: I'm sure we can. The deep structure
of the Qwert language couldn't possibly be more obvious.
Pikean: I've seen many such examples in the
field. But it really is shocking how far from God
they are.
Chomskian: Now don't start on that! How many
cultures have you already destroyed with your methods?
Pikean: We haven't destroyed anyone! We've
brought them to Christ!
Whorfian: Now gentlemen, gentlemen, please.
Let's forget ideology and simply examine the Qwert
vocabulary.
Chomskian: Yes, gladly. It proves once and
for all the existence of universal grammar.
Whorfian: Hold on, I wouldn't go so far as
to say that. In fact, I think it proves my thesis
beyond any doubt, that all societies and cultures
are deeply influenced by the language they speak.
Pikean: Nonsense! It's easy to change these
Qwert! It's easy to change any language, any society,
any culture. All you have to do is convert them to
Christianity!
Chomskian: You filthy imperialist! You stooge
of the capitalists! All you want to do is convert
them to the market economy!
Whorfian: Please, gentlemen...
Pikean: No! I fully intend to convert them
to God!
Chomskian: That's utterly ridiculous!
Pikean: It couldn't be easier! All I have to
do is translate the Bible into Qwert!
Chomskian: That's totally ludicrous!
Whorfian: It's totally impossible!
Pikean: No, it isn't! I've translated the Bible
into a lot of languages that are harder than Qwert!
Now in Brazil...
Whorfian: But why do you want to do this?
Pikean: That's perfectly obvious! Tell me,
did you see any sign that those creatures have even
heard of Christ? Much less heard his message?
Chomskian: All the better for them! These people
speak a truly pure and primal language, and what we
need to do is to study it, not wipe it out!
Whorfian: I disagree that it is in any way
primal. It is simply the way they happen to speak.
It can change, it probably has changed...
Pikean: Well, that's a bit closer to my position.
You see, you have to distinguish between the "emic"
and the "etic." The emic is the way they
see things and can differ from ours, the etic is the
way we see them. That's true tagmemics.
Chomskian: Your vocabulary is utterly stupid!
What we have here is a perfect example of transformational
innateness, poverty of stimulus, prestructural competence,
it's as though they had all been raised by wolves...
Whorfian: Excuse me, there are no "wolves"
in Qwert culture. It is a concept totally outside
their understanding, even their spelling ability...
Chomskian: True, they have no wolves, but they
have the Qwerty...
Pikean: Ah, the Qwerty! Yes, the Qwerty! Absolute
proof that they live in a pre-Christian domain. Human
sacrifice! Abraham and Isaac...!
Whorfian: You can't jump to conclusions like
that! And you can't compare cultures that easily!
Every culture is different! And so is every language!
Chomskian: Nonsense! Every language is connected
by universal grammar!
Pikean: Ridiculous! All languages are unified
in Christ!
Whorfian: Gentlemen, I think we'd better take
a break... Shall we start over again tomorrow?
Pikean: Tomorrow! Why God created the universe
in seven days!
Chomskian: Tomorrow is fine with me. I need
to prepare some diagrams on Qwert deep structure.
Whorfian: Good. Then we're agreed.
Pikean: Not really...
Whorfian: Tomorrow.
Chomskian: Yes, tomorrow.
Pikean: Alright, tomorrow...
Whorfian: Thank you, gentlemen.
The
status of this book:
although a major publisher at one point
came remarkably close to including
QWERTYUIOP in their list,
they finally changed their mind. While
a few revisions are in order,
its 86 pages are still ready and waiting
for the right publisher.
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